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"Good morning, bapu and bibi jis. This is your very handsome captain welcoming you to Ranj-Jet Airways. Sorry we are four days late in taking off but I had to do some overtime at the bakery.

This is the ek, dho, five, sex flight to New Delhi. We cannot guarantee that we will end up in Delhi but rest assured it will be somewhere in the East. And if you are very lucky we may even be landing on your village! A real Punjabi will land where he wants to, isn't that right brothers!

Today we have 12 passengers on the plane - which is a bit of a problem because we only have 5 seats! Hmmm.

For safety reasons we will be counting all the passengers again during and after the flight. We have a very good record for safety. In fact we are so safe even the terrorists are afraid to fly with us! I am pleased to tell you that over 50% of our passengers end up at their destination. For those of you who don't make it, don't worry, our staff have lots of experience consoling the next-of-kin. If, however, you are still worried then ask Stewardess Bubbly to tell you about our out of court settlements.

We will do everything to make your journey an enjoyable one and even a surviving one! If our engines are too noisy for you, don't worry, we'll turn them off! We even make your fall to earth pleasant by serving complimentary chaa during free-fall! And for our religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you find out if there really is a God!

Sadly, today's in-flight movie will not be shown because my son forgot to record it off the television. But if you really want to see a film then we will be glad to fly next to Air India so that you can look at their movie through the window.

Although there is no-smoking in this airplane, you may find that during the flight you can see smoke in the cabin. Don't worry your good minds over this! It is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down! Yes, we are very advanced at Ranj-Jet Airways. Not only do we provide you with a life jacket but we also give a free bathing costume to the aunties and a swimming kacha to the uncles!

Some airlines are happy to fly thousands of feet over landmarks but not Ranj-Jet Airways! For your pleasure we try to get as close as possible for the best view. If, however, we go a little too close then please let us know. Our co-pilot sometimes becomes too enthusiastic. Remember that guy who crashed into the White House, well it is the same bloke!

Now kindly sit on your stool and tie your belt. For those of you who can't find a belt please tie your nala to the door handle. And for those of you who can't find a stool, sit on your suitcase instead.

Sorry, but I won't be flying with you today because I have to attend my nephew's wedding. But please make yourself at home and help yourself to the cock pit. Thank you for choosing Ranj-Jet Airways. We guarantee that we may not always take you on a flight but we'll definitely take you for a ride!"