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Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a

razor-blade."

"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you

done anything yet ?"

"Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."

_____

"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just

can't stop my hands

shaking!"

"Do you drink a lot?"

"Not really - I spill most of it!"

_____

"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the

violin after the operation?"

"Yes, of course..."

"Great! I never could before!"

_____

Man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife

is pregnant, and her

contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her

husband!"

_____

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad

news.

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad

news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results.

They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could

be WORSE? What's the very bad news?

Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since

yesterday.

_____

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.

He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill.

After the checkup the doctor comes

out with the results of the examination.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying

and you don't have much time," the doctor says.

"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?"

the man asks.

"10..." says the doctor.

"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks

desperately.

"10...9...8...7..."

_____

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a

cucumber up his nose, a

carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right

ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

_____

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of

pain.

"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.

"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the

woman.

"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor,

"be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index

finger and yelled, "Ow,

that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and

again yelled, "Ouch!

That

hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe,

"Ow, even THAT hurts",

she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment

and told her his

diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."
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