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The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on agrave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin , 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought tomyself , they've lost the plot!!

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if Icould check her balance , so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

Statistically , 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , canyou believe that , 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well , she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for atea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear andsays "Oh , I forgot to tell you , today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

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